Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
out-housing market appears to be strong
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.