Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.