Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?