Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

I’m hunting wabbits…

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

sometimes i miss this memes

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.