Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business