Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My sex drive has a dui
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.