Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
multitasking lunch
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.