Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

The honesty is refreshing

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING