Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

😂

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess