Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
You Might Also Like
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.