Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

thanksgiving should be called feaster

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

respect