Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL