Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

I pray every night that I never become religious…

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!