Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”