Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
You Might Also Like
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.