Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
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Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
😂😂
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.