Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Perfect

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think