Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Succinctly put.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell