Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you