Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

Hit me in the face with a bird

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.