Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.