@SJSchauer

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

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@Fred_Delicious

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

@Michael_Erhart

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

@peachgrenade

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

@thenatewolf

I have a hot house to protect me from the cold outside. Inside my hot house I have a smaller cold house to protect my food from the heat of my hot house.

@discountzen

I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.

@Aspersioncast

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

@UncleDuke1969

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

@NYC_Blonde

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

@HansGrubertron

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

@lindsaymills

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.