Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats