Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.