Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

For real 🤣

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA