Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.