Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

I can’t deal with men any longer

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.