Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him