Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Whisper out to librarians!

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.