Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
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[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
