Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Math at Halloween.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.