Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.