Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious