Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Whoa… oh I see lol

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

Software Development ⛵️

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”