“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
dads on road-trips be like
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?