Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..