Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

Money is the root of all wealth

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

black phone good

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

I put the p in pants.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care