mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.