Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.