Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

Google reviews are always so mixed..

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people