Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Great Canadian literature.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
This has made my week.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Who.
Did.
This?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.