Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

I told my vodka about you.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs