Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother