Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

i think we should see other cousins

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.