Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions