MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
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“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
