MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
The cycle continues
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay