Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My patronus is a cheeseburger

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

Note to self: I am a note

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’