MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT