waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Vodka burrito was a success
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING