Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Weighing up my bread heating options
