Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Old old old old old west

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use

Batman v Dracula

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Ok, but like, how married are you?