Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

dictator is short for richard potato

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

Yup.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.