Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.