Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

Bartenders are just boneless bars

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.