MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
You Might Also Like
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.