@jonnysun

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

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@jjax44

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

@HairyJew4Life

Women treat me like God.

They only talk to me when they need something.

@Kids_kubed

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

@brynnester

Her: *shyly* If I told you I loved you would you say it back?
Me: Of course
Her: Then I love you
Me: It back

@sonictyrant

Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day

[A few days later]

Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he’s white water rafting*

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender

Me: Wouldn’t you rather have your life together?

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

@PersianCeltic

Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.