I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
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Women treat me like God.
They only talk to me when they need something.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Her: *shyly* If I told you I loved you would you say it back?
Me: Of course
Her: Then I love you
Me: It back
Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day
[A few days later]
Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he’s white water rafting*
Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender
Me: Wouldn’t you rather have your life together?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.