Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.