MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My neck, my back, my…
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Taliband
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day