Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.