Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead man wokking

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!