Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

go easy on yourself <3

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

thanksgiving should be called feaster

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’