Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.