Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.