MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
If you know, you know
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson