Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

As per my previous tablet…

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.