Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
![]()
You Might Also Like
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
*jazz hands*
![]()
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.