Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
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friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.