Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Möther may I have a snäck

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

This is a bad sign

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

#MeanwhileinCanada

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.