“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
How to walk around a museum
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Shortcut
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*