“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
and this one
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread