“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
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Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
rebranding
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.