“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
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Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
