Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Ghost costume 😂
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before