Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich