*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin