*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.