Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, you’re not getting it your honor

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.