Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

LOL

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house