Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly