Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I used the label maker
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy