Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

fly smarter, not harder

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Customize Your Wedding.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?